The RAW of Doom
by Lilly V
Summary: I don't get it either. If you understand the ending to this story, please explain it to a friend. Why is there senseless stuff in this fic? I WROTE IT MYSELF!WWEInvader Zim xover, cowinner of the Planet Helen Glass Unicorn Award


"HIIIIII!"  
  
The small yellow dog-like thing sat on the nightstand in Lita's hotel room, waving its paw at her. "Gooooood morning!" It added perkily.  
  
"What the hell are you?" Lita asked it.  
  
"I'm GIR! Do you have any cupcakes?"  
  
"Cupcakes?" Lita asked. "How'd you get in here?"  
  
"I followed your friend with the pretty hair here! Then he told me to go away. I decided to watch you sleep."  
  
"Why?" Lita asked in utter confusion.  
  
"WHEEEEE!" GIR jumped off of the nightstand and began running around the room.  
  
"Pretty hair, huh?" Lita pondered aloud. She half stood, half fell out of bed and grabbed a robe. Jeffery Nero had some answering to do.  
  
"He came to your room?" Jeff exclaimed. "Wow, didn't think he would."  
  
"What do you mean?" Lita asked the hungover young man. "Why'd you let it follow you home?"  
  
"Well, it's just a dog. And it's so cute!" Jeff insisted.  
  
"It's fugging hyperactive!" Lita replied angrily. "And stupid!"  
  
The two watched GIR continue running around the room in circles. "Who does he belong to anyway?" Lita asked.  
  
"I dunno. He just showed up at the club last night."  
  
"And you let him come home with you?"  
  
"We were singing! GIR knows lots of songs!"  
  
"Jeff, sometimes you worry me." Lita turned her attention back to GIR. "Do you think it has an off button?"  
  
As if on cue, GIR stopped running and looked at Lita and Jeff. "I'm hungry. Let's get waffles!"  
  
Several Hours Later  
  
Zim had searched his home all day and he had yet to find his loyal, albeit stupid, robot GIR. He had just finished his latest plan for conquer the human worm babies and now he needed only find GIR in order to implement his greatest plan ever!  
  
Okay, okay, he didn't really have a great plan. In fact, the only thing he was really going to do that day was work on detailing the voot runner and then take a long bath in some paste. But left unchecked GIR would compromise their mission, so to be safe the small green alien was hunting down his.advanced piece of equipment.  
  
"GIR, where are you?" Zim asked aloud. "I'm sick and tired of looking for you. I could have had this whole day to finish that work on the voot runner, and instead I'm hunting you down. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"  
  
Zim decided that, since it was already nine o'clock, he might as well sit down and continue his plan to conquer the human by observing their "popular culture." Turning on his television he flipped through the channels until he reached a program featuring a large man in a locker room saying something along the lines of "New World Order."  
  
Zim stopped flicking and listened.  
  
"This is the New World Order!" the human continued. "We are the n.W.o. and we are not afraid of anything Stone Cold Steve Austin can dish out. Besides, within a given amount of time we will have conquered the World Wr."  
  
"CONQUER THE WORLD! WHY THAT'S MY MISSION!" Zim exclaimed. "This n.W.o. does not know that they are messing with the Irkin Empire! I will conquer them like the pitiful humans they are. Then, I will use them to conquer their own planet! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Zim stopped laughing as his jaw dropped. "GIR?"  
  
"It's following us to the ring!" Lita whispered loudly to Jeff as Team X-treme headed for the squared circle.  
  
"Yeah, I told him he could!" Jeff explained. "He's like our mascot!"  
  
"Jeff." Lita started, then stopped. "You are hopeless." GIR skipped behind the three wrestlers as they entered the ring. The crowd cheered them, all of them confused over what was up with the dog.  
  
Jerry Lawler spent no time with formalities. "What the hell is up with the dog, J.R.?"  
  
"Well, maybe Team X-treme realized how much you liked puppies and decided to entertain you!" J.R. responded.  
  
"Funny, J.R., funny."  
  
Backstage, three members of the n.W.o. were just entering the arena. As X-Pac, Booker T and Big Show exited their limo a short boy holding what appeared to be an autograph book met them.  
  
"Hey kid," X-Pac bent down to the boy's level. "What's up with your skin?"  
  
The green-skinned kid glared at X-Pac. "Do you have a problem with people with SKIN CONDITIONS?"  
  
"No, dude, not at all," X-Pac looked at the autograph book. "You want an autograph?"  
  
"No," the boy replied. "I want you pathetic humans to help me become Lord of all Humans!"  
  
That was when the book expanded into some kind of contraption and the members of the n.W.o. began screaming like little girls.  
  
"1.2.3.PIN BY JEFF HARDY!" J.R. yelled.  
  
"YIPEEE!" GIR yelled from his perch on Lita's shoulder. "We WON!"  
  
"Yeah, we did," Lita replied. "Now come on, let's get you backstage!"  
  
The group retreated up the ramp. After they'd reached the backstage area the Hardy Boyz headed for their locker room, and Lita started to take GIR and head for the Women's Locker room.  
  
After the boys were clearly out of sight, Lita veered and ran for another room, still carrying GIR on her shoulder.  
  
She knocked twice on the door. "Come in!" a voice answered.  
  
Lita opened the door, cautiously. "Is it safe?"  
  
"I wouldn't have asked you to come in if it weren't," Hunter assured her. "What's with the dog?"  
  
"It talks. It's name is GIR, and it likes waffles," Lita explained. "And, uh, Jeff's decided to keep it as a pet."  
  
"Jeff's my Pretty Haired Human Friend!" GIR exclaimed.  
  
"Uh, Lita.is it supposed to be stupid?" Hunter asked.  
  
Outside the arena, Dib tried to hurry his sister Gaz along. "Come on!" He yelled at her.  
  
Gaz, furiously pounding the buttons on her GameSlave 2, responded. "I can't believe I let you drag me along with you, Dib."  
  
"Gaz, I swear, I saw that little dog thing Zim keeps in his house. I think Zim is planning something."  
  
Gaz, shook her head as she continued playing. "I despise you."  
  
Dib walked up to the guard at the back door. "I'm here to catch the alien."  
  
The guard looked at Dib strangely. "Oh, you mean you're here to wrestle Stasiak?"  
  
Dib thought for a second. "Yes.yes I am."  
  
"Well, who's that?" the guard pointed at Gaz.  
  
"That's.that's my sister, Gaz."  
  
"She your manager?"  
  
"Yes, yes she is."  
  
Gaz, without looking up, said simply "No, I'm not."  
  
"She prefers to not be referred to as a manager. She prefers.Diva."  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"Gaz.quiet!" Dib smiled up at the guard, hopefully.  
  
"Uh.I'm confused, just get in here."  
  
GIR was staring at Hunter. "Do you like Lita?" it asked him.  
  
Hunter looked around to be sure the redhead had actually gone to get coffee. "Yes, GIR, I like Lita."  
  
"I'm gonna teeeeeeell her, 'cause she looooooves you!"  
  
Hunter picked up GIR. "If you tell her, I promise you, you will regret it. Understand?"  
  
"Yes!" GIR responded. Then, "No."  
  
"I will introduce you to my sledgehammer!"  
  
"Yay! I wanna meet your sledgehammer!"  
  
"No, GIR, you don't," Lita laughed from the doorway. "Hunter, why are you threatening the dog? He may be stupid, but he's harmless, really."  
  
"I like her," GIR told Hunter. Then, loudly, "I WANT PIZZA!"  
  
"Now, listen, n.W.o., I am your master, Zim! Repeat!"  
  
X-Pac, Booker T, and Big Show responded. "You are our master, Zim."  
  
"Very good. Now, you listen to me. You are now my human meat puppets, and your mission is clear. You will go out to that human filled place, and tell them that you are handing the world over to ZIM!"  
  
It was at that second that Kevin Nash entered the n.W.o. dressing room. "What the hell is going on in here?"  
  
"INTRUDER!" Zim cried loudly. "You too will serve ZIM!"  
  
"Well, what if I don't want to?" Nash asked.  
  
"Then you will suffer never-ending torment," Zim threatened. "Now.fear the power!" Zim reached into his Irkin standard issue back.thingie, and withdrew.  
  
"A squeaky moose?" Nash asked.  
  
"Darn you GIR!" Zim cursed under his breath. Then, he quickly added, "Yes, a squeaky moose.of DOOM!"  
  
Nash's eyes widened. "Oh, well, if it's a moose of doom, then, yeah, I'll serve Zim."  
  
"EXCELLENT!"  
  
William Regal was walking around backstage, trying to look dignified, when he first saw the frightening little girl playing the video game.  
  
"Excuse me, young lady, do you really think you should be walking around back here?" Regal tried to ask her.  
  
Still not looking up, Gaz just said "Yes. Now leave me alone."  
  
"I'm afraid I cannot in good conscience do that."  
  
"Look, I'm trying to beat the vampire piggies, and I can't do it while you're ANNOYING me."  
  
Regal, upset that Gaz was not listening to him, grabbed her GameSlave 2 and held it high above her head.  
  
Gaz's eyes widened. "Give that back, now."  
  
"Not until you listen to me."  
  
"Give it back now, or invoke my wrath. You won't like my wrath."  
  
The look in the girl's eyes made Regal nervous. He tried to hand the GameSlave back, and in the process dropped it.  
  
Gaz watched in horror as her GameSlave fell to the ground and broke.  
  
She paused, staring at the ground in anger. Somewhere in the distance lightning struck. Regal heard her growl under her breath "You'll pay for that.now, run."  
  
He did.  
  
And Gaz proceeded after him at an even pace.  
  
  
  
Regal quickly ducked into a random locker room, hoping to lose the scary child chasing him.  
  
He was met with high pitched screams and what sounded like Molly yelling "PERVERT!" before being assaulted by a group of women in various states of undress.  
  
Gaz stood outside the women's locker room listening to Regal yell in pain. Her eyes widened a bit as they usually did when she was angry. "This is my wrath," she growled.  
  
The door was quite suddenly kicked in. The women looked up to see Gaz standing, silhouetted in the doorway.  
  
"Can I help you?" Trish asked.  
  
Gaz replied by kicking her in the shin. "Out of my way."  
  
Trish yelped and began hopping on one foot. "You little.weird.child.girl!"  
  
Gaz paid her no heed as she advanced on Regal. "You broke my Game Slave 2," she informed him. "Now I want retribution!"  
  
"Now, we go to the ring!" Zim announced.  
  
The n.W.o. followed slowly behind their new master.  
  
"MY MASTER'S HERE!" GIR yelled as he watched the monitor in HHH's dressing room.  
  
"Your master?" Lita asked, turning to look at the screen. "Oh my god, what's that little green thing with the n.W.o."  
  
"Oh, that's just X-pac," Hunter told her without looking around.  
  
"No, I don't think so. X-pac's the little thing that stole Trish's shorts and is wearing them around."  
  
"You mean there's another little green thing." Hunter finally looked at the action in the ring. "What's is that?"  
  
"MY MASTER!" GIR yelled before leaping running out of the room.  
  
"That's not good, is it?" Lita asked.  
  
"Probably not," Hunter sighed. "Let's go see where he went."  
  
As the two rushed down the hall, they bowled over a small boy in a black trench coat. As the three were untangling themselves from each other on the floor, the boy suddenly screamed "Oh great! Now I'll never find the alien!"  
  
"You mean Stasiak?" both Hunter and Lita asked at the same time.  
  
"NO! The real alien!"  
  
"Golddust?" they asked, once more in unison.  
  
"NO! ZIM!"  
  
"Zim.is that Stasiak's new name?"  
  
"Dunno.doesn't matter, that boy will never get even a half decent gimmick."  
  
"Oh, forget it!" Dib finally stood up and stormed off again.  
  
As he was stomping away, he ran smack into Shawn Stasiak.  
  
"Whoa," Stasiak commented. "You just ran smack into.PLANET STASIAK!"  
  
Dib looked over the oddly attired man. "Wow, you are an alien, aren't you?"  
  
Stasiak took a look around, then turn and ran.  
  
"COME BACK!" Dib screamed. "I JUST WANNA LET THEM DISSECT YOU!"  
  
Hunter and Lita shared a look and a quick shrug before following after GIR again.  
  
Zim and the n.W.o. had finally found their way into the ring. Zim stood, dwarfed by Nash, Booker T and the Big Show. X-pac stood at about his own eye level.  
  
Nash accepted a microphone and began to speak. "Listen up, everybody. I am here to introduce the Earth to it's new lord and master.Zim!"  
  
Nash handed Zim the microphone. The small Irken smiled widely and began speaking. "You are now all slaves to ZIM! You will bow before me and the Irken empire, your new LORDS AND MASTERS! I will be a merciful overlord, however there will be a few rules."  
  
Zim's speech was interrupted by the sounds of "No Chance in Hell." Vince was storming toward the ring, where he grabbed the mike and began screaming. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"  
  
"I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER STINKBEAST!" Zim screamed.  
  
That was about the time that GIR appeared followed closely by Hunter and Lita.  
  
"GIR?" Zim asked. "What are you doing with those two?"  
  
"This is Hunter and Lita," GIR announced, "and they're in LOOOOOOOOVE!"  
  
Every person in the arena gasped. Hunter and Lita looked at each other sheepishly. Under his breath, Hunter muttered "Just when I don't have a sledgehammer handy."  
  
"GIR, get in here and dispose of this.old, feeble.feeble old thing!" Zim motioned towards Vince.  
  
GIR saluted. "Yes my master!" He responded, his eyes glowing red.  
  
Vince, at the sight of the small robot, suddenly screamed and ran away, heading towards the ramp. Lita and Hunter stepped aside, letting him through. GIR stood in the ring waving and yelling "GUH-BYE!"  
  
Halfway up the ramp, Vince ran into a large man with exceptionally spiky hair. "Stasiak?" he asked.  
  
"Mr. McMahon, please, I have to.he's onto meeee!"  
  
Dib appeared at the top of the ramp, his eyes narrowed. "So.there you are.Zim.Once I've dealt with this.Stasiak.I'll deal with.what the.?"  
  
Two men in black suits appeared behind him. "Who in the world?"  
  
"Agents J and K, FCC division 6," the black one said, producing a badge. "We're here to investigate what's going on here."  
  
Stasiak stood up, his eyes wide. "J and K? Help me, please, this kid's crazy!"  
  
J and K looked at each other. "Stasiak, would you PLEASE start dressing like a human?" J finally asked. "And you, green boy, you're not even registered with us!"  
  
Dib finally got a look of understanding on his face. "You're Men in Black! You're here to cover up the alien."  
  
That was when the other scream was heard. Trish Stratus in a small black dress was running for her life from a small girl in a black dress.  
  
"Gaz?" Dib asked. "What's going on?"  
  
Trish suddenly cowered behind Lita. "She's going to KILL me!"  
  
Lita rolled her eyes. "Trish, she's not going to kill you. Trust me. Now, let go of me."  
  
Gaz turned her gaze to Dib. "There you are. Let's go. I'm bored."  
  
Dib shook his head. "Not until I expose the aliens!"  
  
K reached into his pocket and withdrew a neuralizer. "Kid, do you know what this is?"  
  
"A neuralizer.oh poop!"  
  
Hunter, Lita, Stasiak and Zim all averted their eyes as the thing flashed. K put the device back and simply said, "This whole evening never occurred, instead special guest Chris Jericho fought Rob Van Dam in the greatest match ever televised."  
  
Everyone blinked.  
  
Later on, in an office room, J and K addressed the non-neuralized people.and aliens.  
  
"You, Prince Stasiak, have got to learn to act like a damn human!" J berated him. "Otherwise, we're revoking your visa and you'll have to go back."  
  
Shawn nodded.  
  
"You two," he motioned to Lita and Hunter, "how'd you know not to look?"  
  
The two looked at each other and shrugged.  
  
"I think I can answer that, kid," K broke in. "These two happen to be the aliens we've been looking for."  
  
Lita and Hunter looked at each other again. "We're aliens?" Lita asked.  
  
"Yes. You two were stranded here by a failed mission years ago. You requested to be neuralized so you'd fit in with human life. In other words, you're aliens, you just don't remember it."  
  
"Do.do we have to go back?" Lita asked, softly.  
  
"Not if you don't want to," K assured her. "If there's ever a need to go back we'll let you know."  
  
"Then why were you looking for us?" Hunter asked.  
  
"Autographs," J explained. "Now, for the little green guy."  
  
"You neuralized X-pac," Lita reminded him.  
  
"Not that little green guy!" J exclaimed. "The Irken.that's gone."  
  
Sure enough, Zim had disappeared.  
  
In the voot runner, Zim was berating GIR. "I have a perfect plan, and you have to go screw it up!"  
  
"I'm sorry." GIR apologized. "CAN I HAVE MY MOOSE?"  
  
Epilogue:  
  
MattHardysGirlfriend: You know, that Jericho/Van Dam match sucked in my personal internet-fan-who's-never-set-a-foot-in-a-wrestling-ring opinion!  
  
JeffHardysWifeEvenThoughHesSeeingSomeone: I agree! Totally. And why wasn't there any Trish tonight? She's such a girl power symbol since she stopped sleeping with Vince, that's why I admire her!  
  
MattHardysGirlfriend: Totally. By the way, how's your story coming?  
  
JeffHardysWifeEvenThoughHesSeeingSomeone: the one about the new girl who appears and takes the WWE by storm? It's going to be great!  
  
JeffHardysWifeEvenThoughHesSeeingSomeone: Anyway.  
  
JeffHardysWifeEvenThoughHesSeeingSomeone: You still there?  
  
JeffHardysWifeEvenThoughHesSeeingSomeone: Hell-o????????  
  
But MattHardysGirlfriend was too busy being put in the walls of Jericho by an irate Chris Jericho. 


End file.
